When life changes......

As I sit here trying to get through my homework I am overcome by emotions. I have been trying to think about how I will be able to return to the things that I need to continue but in the last week my priorities have changed tremendously. Some things that seemed to important to me suddenly don't seem that pressing at all. So I thought of my blog. I know I don't blog often but I guess when I am feeling disconnected and really feeling lost is when I blog the most. I know that in the past I have been able to look and read things that I know I needed to go through and it makes me realize how strong a person can be... more importantly how strong I can be. So although most of my post have a funny twist I don't know how funny this one will be.

So when life changes. For me it has been changing for awhile. Starting last April I started to wake up with pain and swelling in my hands and feet. It would go away after I got up and moving so I first thought maybe it was a virus in my synovial fluid. I was in school and didn't really have much time to think about it but it was happening everyday and I soon realized something wasn't right. I have taken care of, seen, and studied about Rheumatoid Arthritis for years and knew the s/s so I started to think about that but still in the back of my head thought I have too much to accomplish in life so that can't possibly be in my cards. So time went on. I finished school, got a job and about 2 months ago decided this was not only not going away but was getting worse. I now had take Ibuprofen and glucosamine and then lay back down for an hour before even getting out of bed. I couldn't walk stairs until late afternoon. I had been given cortisone shots in my shoulder to decrease inflammation. And was taking massive amounts of Ibuprofen a day just to move and function.

So last Thursday I met with a Rheumatologist who informed me that I had Rheumatoid Arthritis. I had figured this all along and had researched med, diet, exercise, and numerous things about the disease. I felt pretty good and was confident that I would gladly accept what I needed to and move on. I guess to say you are never prepared is an understatement. I am so onry, emotional and just play upset. Why? I don't really know because RA is now treatable and most of the time they can put it in remission. So I don't really know what is upsetting me so. Maybe it is that I have spent so much time on the non important things in life and not enough on what I should have. Or maybe because my medicine is going to make me sick for awhile that I feeling shafted for my husband and kids.. Maybe its because I think its unfair that bad things happen to good people. I don't know but my whole attitude about it sucks right now.

Don't get me wrong I had a couple good days but the side effects of my medicine are starting to happen and I want to shout " Wait, can I get a redo of the last 5 years of life? I am not ready for this!" I'm not ready to put my family on hold and deal with this. I did that last year. And really do not want to do it again.

Like I said- I'm emotional. But these are the thoughts I cannot seem to get out of my head. So with all of my feelings out maybe I can move on and get back to my normal life because really that is what I need.